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Rose Saad

One of the problems survivors of domestic violence face is finding the right resources to help them break free, especially in smaller countries worldwide. Social Media has made it much easier to find domestic violence hotlines and other resources, but many survivors still have no way of tapping into those resources. They might not have access to or know how to navigate social media. As a result, they find themselves stuck with no help.

As we try to help survivors of abuse, one of our roles is to help them connect to their area’s local resources. In order to do that, we have to know where to refer them. Research your local domestic violence centers in your area before referring a survivor.

Here’s a list of worldwide domestic violence resources that you can use as a guide to help survivors. While not all-inclusive, this list is extensive and is a helpful resource guide. The author, Michelle Cardillo, did an excellent job of including countries from all over the world. You also can check out my abuse information page for more information about domestic violence and resources in the United States.

United States of America

National Family Violence Hotlines

Domestic Violence Resources Across the U.K.

Domestic Violence Hotlines in European Countries

Additional Global Domestic Violence Hotlines & Resources

Source:

Contact Information compiled by Michelle Cardillo

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November 2, 2020 0 comment
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Getting over the experiences that have harmed our lives requires healing. Yet, (though our bodies might heal from physical injuries) healing from emotional damage isn’t always automatic. We have to make a choice to heal. When we make the choice to emotionally heal, we might be faced with barriers that stop us from achieving that end. It seems that when we move one step forward, we find ourselves sliding two steps backward. Why? Because those barriers hold us back. This article will discuss the five barriers that need to be removed before we can start our healing process.

As Christians, we can find in the scriptures compelling stories that can help us see those obstacles that stop us from changing, and then show us how to overcome them. From my own experience, the stories of the people in the scriptures were instrumental in helping me to see what I needed to change on my journey to heal from abuse. 

I am going to focus on Christian women, but this lesson can be applied to anyone, even nonreligious people, who have experienced any type of abuse or any stressful life events. Most of our barriers are within ourselves. I will describe our self-imposed barriers that need to be changed by examining the story of the Healing at the Pool.

Afterward, Jesus returned to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish holy days. Inside the city, near the Sheep Gate, was the pool of Bethesda, with five covered porches. Crowds of sick people—blind, lame, or paralyzed—lay on the porches. One of the men lying there had been sick for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, “Would you like to get well?”

“I can’t, sir,” the sick man said, “for I have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. Someone else always gets there ahead of me.”

Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!” Instantly, the man was healed! He rolled up his sleeping mat and began walking! (John 5:1–9, NLT) 

Let us now look at the five barriers that the sick man had to overcome, and how they can be applied to our own personal healing journey.

Barrier 1: Lack of motivation

What do I mean by a lack of motivation? The man in the story had a condition that required a change. He had been sick for thirty-eight years! He wanted to be healed. He knew where to get his healing and was in the right place, but he couldn’t do what was needed to receive the cure, which was to get into the pool. Yes, his disability was a barrier that made it difficult to get into the pool. Yet I can’t help thinking that, with enough determination, he could have pulled himself to the edge of the pool and waited for the water to bubble. The act may have required a lot of physical and emotional effort and might even have been painful, but it would have been worth it. 

Maybe he did try. But at some point, he must have given up, because he didn’t receive his healing. When Jesus asked him, “Would you like to get well?” his lack of motivation was evident when he responded with, “I can’t.” He had lost all hope of getting well.

As survivors of abuse, how can we relate to this story? I know I can. Admitting to others and accepting that I was an abused woman was painful. People will look down on you and blame you for the failure of the relationship were thoughts that flooded my mind. They wouldn’t believe your story and will think that you are trying to damage your husband’s name. These thoughts became barriers that made it difficult to try to seek help. As a result, I had to get rid of my self-imposed barriers before I could start my healing process.

Healing will require a lot of physical, emotional, and spiritual effort. Some of you will have to relive the past and talk about the abuse. It might re-open old wounds that you thought had healed long ago. Talking about your abuse might bring to the surface the shame and embarrassment that you are not ready to face. You might have tried and failed to change your situation, and now it seems a voice is whispering in your ear, “It’s no use trying.” As you reflect on these difficulties you might even despair of trying or lose what little incentive you had to try.

Keep trying

Barrier 2: No plan

Back to the sick man in the story. I often wonder if he had a plan. He had found ways to eat, sleep, and take care of himself physically, so why didn’t he have a plan to get in the pool? Maybe he did have a plan and it didn’t work. But from his conversation with Jesus, it appeared that he had given up thinking about it.  

Leaving your abusive relationship means having a plan. That plan could include a safety plan, a list of financial resources, legal support, and support from others. Likewise, healing requires a plan. 

To heal you must have a plan for coping with the psychological effects of the abuse. That could mean seeking help from others, in addition to giving yourself emotional and physical self-care. You have to learn to recognize and refute to the lies that you have been told about yourself and the abuse.

As Christians, we can apply the scriptures to expose these lies. If you are struggling with your faith, you might need to ask others to help you understand God’s character and embrace his promises so that you can be empowered with his strength so that you can remove your barriers as you seek healing.

Professional counseling is part of the plan. I believe that counseling in conjunction with the scriptures is essential. Some might think that praying is enough, and therefore not bother with professional counseling. Yes, it is important that you pray regularly, but counseling could be part of God’s answer to your prayers. 

Another part of the healing plan could be participating in support groups to encourage and empower you to realize that you are not alone and that other women like you have freed themselves from abuse.

Barrier 3: Making excuses

The man in the story made excuses when Jesus asked him, “Would you like to get well?” He responded, “I have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. Someone else always gets there ahead of me.” The man didn’t take responsibility for his inaction.

What about you? You cannot blame others for keeping you in your abusive relationship. Perhaps you did receive well-meaning but faulty advice from the church, or from professionals, or friends and family to stay in your relationship. Yes, they were in error, but you have to acknowledge that you accepted their bad advice and are ultimately responsible for following it.

You are responsible for seeking change and healing from abuse. Don’t expect someone to come to your physical and emotional rescue. You cannot expect others to reach out to you; you have to reach out to them. 

Barrier 4: Fear

Maybe the man in the story feared for his physical safety; maybe he was afraid of getting mishandled by others. He may also have been afraid to heal. Healing would have required him to change the way he had been living for the past thirty-eight years. He would have to learn to take care of himself and work for a living. 

Fear is the number one reason why people stay in abusive relationships. Most of our fears are legitimate, like fear for our safety and the safety of our children, or lack of financial resources and support from others. But I do believe that some of us might fear change because it will force us to leave our familiar way of life. Fear of the unknown or even the unfamiliar can prevent you from moving forward to heal. 

Barrier 5: Not seeking help

His response to Jesus, when asked if he wanted to be well, was, “I have no one to put me in the pool.” As I mentioned before, he didn’t have a plan, but he was surrounded by people at the pool. Couldn’t he have asked one of them for help? It’s worth noting that he did not even ask Jesus for help! Jesus had to come to him.

Many women, including me, find it difficult to ask others for help. Most women who are in or have recently left their abusive relationship can’t solve the problems associated with the abuse alone. You need the support and resources of others to help you change your situation. Your family, community, and church all have their part in helping you change and heal. Healing cannot be done alone. 

Trust the strength within

Overcoming the barriers

Let’s look at Jesus’ response again. He told the man to “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!” In other words, do something! He didn’t waste time talking about all the man’s sins or bring up his past failures or try to make him feel that he wasn’t doing enough to get well. He knew all the barriers that kept the man from healing. Yet he placed the choice for healing in the man’s hands, by asking him if he wanted to get well. The man’s desire to heal had to be so strong that it overcame all the barriers that he had. 

I believe that Jesus not only took care of the man’s physical needs, but he also attended to his emotional needs. By giving the man the confidence to overcome his fear and doubts, Jesus made him believe that he could walk, and thereby find the inner strength to stand up by himself.

What about you? You also have the choice to heal. Jesus is not going to bring up your lack of motivation or listen to your excuses. But like the man in the story, you have to trust that you can overcome every barrier that stops you from moving forward to heal. But remember, you have to reach out to others who might offer you a helping hand. The key here is that your desire to heal has to be so strong that it will overpower your pain and fear of failure. Then you can take that leap of faith by knowing that Jesus will be with you along your way.

The content of this blog is adapted from my book, A Path to Hope: Restoring the Spirit of the Abused Christian Woman

How to Feel Better -Jodi Aman
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January 8, 2020 0 comment
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The first step to emotionally and spiritually heal from any harmful relationship requires self-reflection. Self-reflection involves examining how you got into and chose to stay in your relationship. For this blog, I will focus on domestic abusive relationships. And I will address some of the changes you might need to make as you seek healing.

When I talk about self-reflection, I am talking about discovering how your partner’s abusive actions affected your emotional and spiritual well-being. I am not talking about taking the blame for what your abuser did. You are never responsible for someone else’s actions. But your responsibility is to understand what happened and what you did about it.

You can start by asking yourself, how did I get into this mess? I believe that when we self-reflect and try to answer that question, we will discover things that we might need to address as we seek healing. I will attempt to answer that question and suggest some things you can do to change and heal.

Self-reflection: How did I get into this mess?

Love

Yes, love is the number one reason why we stay in an abusive relationship. Most people I know married for love. I certainly did! But I think my concept of love wasn’t as clear as I thought it was. It was influenced by others’ perceptions of who I was and was performance-based. The truth was, I didn’t love who I was or saw myself as important, due to past experiences in my childhood and teenage years. In addition to those experiences, my parents weren’t around to nurture my sense of self-worth. This led to a faulty concept of love which made it difficult to tell the difference between healthy love versus sick love.

Love in an abusive relationship means one person does all the giving and the other person does all the taking. Once you realize that fact, you can change your unhealthy concept of love and replace it with healthy love. As Christians, we don’t have to look too far because Christ demonstrated what healthy love is.

Fear

We can’t move forward without addressing fear. Fear is what keeps us frozen and unable to seek change. Although fear is healthy if it keeps us out of danger, some of our fears are irrational. For me, I feared my husband’s wrath more than God’s wrath. You might ask, how so? I mean that I wasn’t afraid to break God’s commandments, such as lying to please Xavier or covering up for his abuse; in other words, I was more fearful of what my husband would do if I didn’t follow his wishes. Some of us fear our families, or what the church might say when we speak the truth. We let our fears stop us from seeking change.

We can’t let fear stop us from doing what we must do to change our abusive situation. If we’re ever going to move forward, we have to face up to our fears and realize that the alternative may be worse.

Shame/Embarrassment

As we self-reflect, I think shame is second only to fear in preventing us from seeking help. Shame is inwardly self-inflicted. Shame tells you that you are unimportant, or don’t deserve any sympathy because you made some bad choices. Embarrassment, on the other hand, is being affected by what other people think. Both are damaging to one’s sense of self.

I believe that educated women who are accustomed to being in control or who can access the resources to end the abuse are at more risk of letting shame and embarrassment stop them from seeking help. I know friends who have left their abusive relationships but haven’t started the process of healing from “domestic abuse” because they weren’t ready to accept the fact that they were victims. Accepting that fact will mean having to face their shame.

Confronting our shame in a safe environment will help us to overcome it so that we can move forward to freedom from abuse.

Anger

Self-reflection will help us uncover our anger, which is required to heal. Self-reflection means asking questions like, “Why didn’t I leave early?” and “I can’t believe I let him treat me that way, and why didn’t I do something?” These types of questions may produce anger and regret. Anger itself is not bad. Anger allowed me to take back some of my power; for instance, I refused to have a joint bank account so that I could have control of my money.

But the thing about anger is, if you stay in that state, you will become resentful and bitter. We have to make a conscious effort to use anger only for positive change and not let it control our lives

Trust

Abuse can cripple our sense of trust. It hampers our ability to trust ourselves and even God. I know of a woman who was angry with God for allowing her abuser to get off without any consequences. Mentioning God will send her into tears, and her resentment will be obvious in her face. She didn’t trust God anymore.

But I believe we have to retain our trust in God so that we can trust ourselves. Also, we have to understand what trust means.

I am glad the scriptures don’t command us to trust everyone who says, “I’m sorry.” Regardless, some of us were urged by others to trust our abuser when he said he was sorry without showing any signs of meaning it.

Even though I have forgiven my abuser, that doesn’t mean I have to trust him. I had to realize that I am not required to trust him even if he apologizes or shows tearful remorse. Trust is earned, and he would have to demonstrate that he deserves my trust. There was no time limit attached to the acceptance of my trust in him. I had to be okay with that choice.

As we seek healing, our priority should be learning to trust God and to trust ourselves. Trust that we have the power within ourselves to change our situation. In addition, trusting our abusers is not based on what others want from us.

Forgiveness

I think our greatest challenge as we self-reflect is learning to forgive. We can spend hours on this topic. Forgiveness is the key to healing. Here, I am talking about self-forgiveness. For most of us, it is easier to forgive others than ourselves.

It was difficult to forgive myself. Why did I allow his abuse to happen for so long? Why did I expose my children to an environment that was damaging their emotional health? My responses to these questions produced anger that I had to confront and let go of.

If we don’t forgive ourselves, abuse will continue to control us. I believe the key to self-forgiveness is understanding God’s grace. It is easier to extend grace to others than to ourselves. For me, extending grace to myself means that I am not taking responsibility for my actions, nor am I taking advantage of God’s kindness. But if we don’t extend grace to ourselves, we are not allowing the scriptures’ power to change us.

In conclusion, we have to realize that the scriptures have the power to heal us. But we must still do the work that is required to heal. Self-reflection will help us identify areas that we can address as we seek healing. I pray that when you self-reflect, God will grant you the knowledge to change the areas in your life that need his healing.

The content of this blog is adapted from my book, A Path to Hope: Restoring the Spirit of the Abused Christian Woman.

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November 26, 2019 2 comments
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When we discuss the cycle of domestic abuse, the honeymoon phase appears to be a period of rest from the abuse and perhaps even an end to it. But the question here is this really a honeymoon? In my opinion, it is not. Don’t get caught up in the honeymoon phase because it is just a continuation of the abuse. For that reason, we need to look at how to escape the honeymoon phase and why we should. 

According to Lenore Walker, the cycle of abuse consists of three phases. Walker’s description of this cycle has been modified over the years, but in her original version, the first phase consisted of tension building, in which the woman “walks on eggshells” due to the abuser’s behaviors. He becomes critical, jealous, cold, distant, or withdrawn. And the woman can only wait for the impending doom.

The second phase is where the battering occurs or the battering phase. There is an explosion of verbal attacks. The abuser becomes hostile and screams out threats, breaks objects or physically assaults her. 

The third phase is known as the honeymoon phase. He says he is sorry and gives her flowers or expensive gifts. He might start to take on responsibilities such as caring for the kids or participate in household activities that he refused to do before the violent events. During this time, he might even say he is going to seek help and change his behaviors. Most women, more likely, they want to believe that he is sorry and is going to change.

Let’s look at the honeymoon phase to see how it is an extension of the abuse.

Manipulative and deceptive behaviors

During the honeymoon phase, he does not give the real motives behind the sudden change from being mean to be nice. His reason for being so tearful and apologetic is to stop her from going to the police, especially when there is bruising or other evidence of a physical assault. Or he could be afraid of losing her. His ultimate motive is to return the relationship back to the state where he was in full control.

Therefore, he showers her with so many gifts and kind words that she doesn’t have the time to think about or even remember the abusive events and seek help. She may feel pressured into accepting his presents. She might be afraid to refuse him, afraid that the abuse will return, like a bad movie sequel, bigger and meaner than before. There is a fear that if she is not receptive, the tension or abusive cycle will resume.

Due to his deceptive behaviors, she is pushed back into the grooming phase, which reminds her of the good times. Those memories reinforce the hope that he can change. She begins to fantasize that the relationship will become the kind of relationship she had hoped for. This hope leads her to tell herself that “it wasn’t that bad” and to dismiss the idea of seeking help. And so, he gets away with his behaviors*. As a result, the cycle of abuse goes on.

Coercive forgiveness

Forgiveness is a process

The woman feels compelled to forgive him, which is premature forgiveness. Premature forgiveness is accepting an apology without having time to process the hurt or acknowledge it. He says he is sorry and promises not to hurt her again. She accepts his apology before working through the process of forgiveness. I believe that forgiveness is a process. For healing to occur, she needs time to acknowledge her hurt, be aware of the effects of the offense, and to see some changed behaviors—in this case, no more abuse.

How to escape the honeymoon phase

The important thing is, during the crisis, and especially after an abusive event, you need to seek help! Your safety is your number one priority. If your abuser is unable to manipulate you during the honeymoon phase, then his frustration and rage might intensify. It is crucial that you get help if you decide to make any drastic changes, such as leaving the relationship.

Here are some actions you can take

Insist on time to process the event. The human brain needs to process and make sense of every social interaction. When forced into moving forward without a logical understanding behind the abusive behaviors, there is confusion. This confusion can lead to denial, which traps you in a relationship that damages your physical and emotional well-being.

It might be best to maintain no contact when you insist on time away from him. This will allow you time to think and process the events and what actions to take. If you do not distance yourself, you might be manipulated and pulled back into the cycle.

Seek help

Ask God for wisdom

I will repeat: It is critical that you seek help during the crisis phase. It is during this time that you might have some control and can make decisions without his interference. If you are showing signs of physical abuse, he might try to stop you from seeking help due to fear of the consequences. But you have to be strong and get help without his permission.

Seeing through the confusion means educating yourself about domestic abuse. Therefore, find resources in your community to gain awareness that you are not alone, and there is a way to break the cycle so that you won’t get caught in the web of the honeymoon phase.

Here are links to find the domestic violence centers in your areas:

http://www.thehotline.org/resources/victims-and-survivors/ https://www.domesticshelters.org/

Wait to see the changed behaviors over time

Some of the actions you should look for are he admitting that he is an abuser and is seeking professional help. Willingness to accept the consequences of his behaviors, and asking others to hold him accountable, are the things he should be doing. Most importantly, he must allow you space to see his change over time. How much time that takes depends on the kind of man he is. He might not even change at all, and you will need time to accept that situation.

To conclude, don’t get caught in the web of the honeymoon phase. It is after the abusive incident that you might have the ability to seek help without him. Find time to reflect on his behaviors, so that you can determine what actions you need to take to break the cycle. Pray for wisdom to expose the truth behind his behaviors.

*A Path to Hope: Restoring The Spirit Of the Abused Christian Woman

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July 26, 2019 2 comments
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In my previous blog, Domestic Abuse: The Transformation Process, I stated that the impact of the abuse is subtle and that it takes time to recognize that the abuse has changed who you are as a person. Yet some of these changes are obvious to others. I will list how to tell that you have been transformed and how to reclaim yourself.

You may recognize that something is missing and sense that something about you has changed. You might not like the person you have become, however you are not aware of your loss. You may recognize that your thinking process has altered, yet you might not be aware of changes to your self-esteem.

God will help you

Signs and Symptoms That You Have Transformed

If you experienced any of these signs, you mostly have been transformed.

  • You know something is wrong, but you can’t figure it out
  • You isolate yourself because you feel embarrassed about yourself
  • You accept his excuses for his actions
  • You accept responsibility for his action and take the blame
  • You deny that any abuse is happening
  • You don’t trust yourself to make decisions
  • You rely on your abuser to do all the thinking
  • You live in shame and humiliation
  • You believe that you are the problem
  • You second-guess yourself
  • You feel confused and disoriented about his behaviors
  • You are unsure about your recollection of events at home
  • You are consumed by thoughts about the abuse and how to stop it
  • You feel that you are losing your mind
  • Fear consumes your day-to-day activities
  • You feel powerless to change the situation
  • You are easily anxious and irritable
  • You are afraid to voice your opinion
  • You feel emotionally fatigued and physically drained
  • You feel emotionally numb
  • You lack interest in activities that you once loved

As a result of these signs and symptoms, your self-image is profoundly damaged. To put it another way, it is almost like a “death of self.” This state of mind can lead to feelings of hopelessness and make you believe that you don’t have the power to get help. The good news is that there is always hope for change.

Ask for help

Reclaiming yourself

Awareness that the abuse has changed you is the first step to recovery. Reclaiming yourself can be difficult, and it will take time and effort to do it. Here are some of the actions you might have to take to reclaim who you were before the abuse.

  • Remove yourself from your abusive environment
  • Seek professional help
  • Pray and meditate to strengthen your spiritual self
  • Be kind, patient, compassionate and empathetic toward yourself
  • Forgive yourself
  • Tell your story in a safe place; it is your truth and it will help to set you free
  • Celebrate your survival, especially if you were able to break free
  • Love yourself by engaging in activities to promote wellness like exercising, eating right, and finding time to relax
  • Reconnect with people who love and care about you
  • Join a community of support to meet your physical and emotional needs
  • Attend a support group with people who have experienced domestic abuse
  • Engage in activities you enjoy, or consider new activities
  • Set healthy boundaries
  • Regain your voice by telling others what you need and want
  • Combat your negative thoughts with positive thoughts
  • Take responsibility for your actions and let go of things that you cannot control
  • Focus on your strengths
  • Volunteer to help other survivors of abuse
  • Grieve and let go of your sense of loss
  • Journal about your transformational journey
You can overcome any difficulty

You can overcome any difficulty

As you journey through the stages of regaining the person you were before the abuse, remind yourself that you are strong and can overcome any difficulty. Surviving abuse is evidence that you have the power to find yourself again. Hold on to your faith. Embrace God’s love because it has the power to set you free. The abuse was never a part of God’s plan for your life. So, move forward and be the wonderful person that God wants you to be.

Check out these links for more on self-care:

Self-care

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/lists/self-care-strategies?q=0#list-scroll

* https://images.app.goo.gl/Tmb1VihZC3twpXwt7

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July 3, 2019 3 comments
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Have you ever wondered how your abusive relationship changes you? Domestic abuse often has a profound impact on an individual’s self-esteem and self-worth. It changes the entire set of values and morals that embodies who you are. A transformation occurs that isn’t always easy to spot.

I am using the word transformation because there’s a change from who you were before the relationship to who you are after the abuse. And there is a series of steps in which the abuser attempts to change your inner self, your “soul,” so that he can have complete control over your thoughts, your actions, and your behaviors.

As survivors, we need to understand how our abusers influence our transformation process. When we know about the techniques or tactics they use, we can then figure out how to stop the process and reclaim our true selves.

For this blog, we will look at how our abusers create an environment that fosters our transformation process.

Grooming

Deceptive words

It starts with grooming. Grooming is a deliberate attempt by an abuser to persuade you to do what he wishes*. He engages in behaviors that make you believe that he is doing what’s best for you. He showers you with attention. He tells you that you’re the right woman for him, his soulmate. He spends all his time with you. He’s kind, gentle, and thoughtful. He tries to meet all your physical and emotional needs. He might fix things around the house or cook dinner.

All these behaviors are meant to draw you into building an emotional connection so you can trust him. His grooming tactics in the early phase of the relationship are used to soften you into later compliance. Grooming makes you vulnerable and makes it easy to tolerate abuse because you have come to believe that he is a good person.

You might say grooming is showing affection for someone you care about, but when the intention for the behaviors is to manipulate that person for control, then grooming becomes abusive. If we pay close attention, grooming can be a red flag. If something is too good to be true, then it usually is.

Social isolation

Put your trust in God

Next comes social isolation. Its primary purpose is to cut off your support systems so that you depend solely on him. One of the techniques he may use is to create distrust between you and your family, friends, or community resources. As a result, he becomes the primary source for your physical and psychological support.

The following story from my blog at, https://www.rosesaad.com/wish-knew-know-now-understanding-abuse/ illustrates how my former husband socially isolated me:

In the early phase of our relationship, Xavier created an environment of distrust. For example, he would make comments like, “You can’t trust anyone” or “They’re out to get you.” This suspicion included the people we knew. According to him, my female friends were “hitting on him” and couldn’t be trusted. When they came to visit, he was cold toward them; he ignored them or would even leave the house. As a result, they felt uncomfortable and stopped visiting.

Even though he did not want me to trust others, he expected me to trust him. To create that trust, he said it was essential that we have no secrets from each other. He wanted to know about my childhood and past relationships. He would tell of a few of his encounter with his old girlfriends to lure me into sharing details of my previous sexual encounters.

The purpose of this type of communication is not only to isolate you but also to use your private sexual history as confirmation that you are morally loose. He can later use it to attack your self-esteem, which aids the transformation process.

Creating Doubt / Emotional Abuse

Do not lie or deceive one another

The next phase is creating doubt. The communication process becomes a tool for gaslighting. What your abuser says is not what he wants. What he says and what he means are totally different things. His actions don’t match his words. The aim here is to create confusion and disorientation so that it becomes easy for him to control you. Tactics used to gaslight include projection, which is when he shifts his behaviors on to you. For example, he might accuse you of cheating on him, when in reality he’s the one doing the cheating. Or he’ll call you a liar when he is the one lying. Other ways he can degrade your self-esteem are attacking what you are good at. For instance, if you are good at your job, he will find issues with it. He might remark that you are wasting your time with that job.

Most survivors are not aware of gaslighting. I didn’t know what the term meant at the time, but when I look back, I can see so many episodes in the relationship that were a clear case of gaslighting. For example, when he made a cruel joke or an insensitive remark, and I responded with, “I don’t like that,” his reply was that I was too sensitive or overreacting. Over time I started to believe that maybe he was right, maybe I really was too sensitive.

The overall purpose of these behaviors is to sow confusion within yourself, which makes it easy to accept his version of reality.

Intimidation and Threats / Physical Abuse

God hates violence

See the Power and Control Wheel for types of tactics use by abusers. The reason for these behaviors is to seal in compliance so that he can gain full control. Different abusers may use different methods, but the end goal is the same, which is power and control. The particular tactics used depends upon the abuser’s personality or what has worked for him in the past.

Over time, all these abusive tactics change the survivor. Her reality diminishes, and she accepts his reality as the truth about who she is. Her values of right and wrong are squashed, to be replaced by his version. When she realizes his abusive behaviors have transformed her, she feels helpless to change her situation. In my next blog, I will discuss how to tell that you have been transformed and how to reclaim yourself.

God will not let you fall

*How He Gets into Her Head by Don Hennessy

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June 14, 2019 0 comment
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My recent travels evoke a desire to share God’s splendor in his creation as seen through the pictures I took. The trip to Tilghman Island, MD and now Kona, Hawaii, have both reinforced my faith. Check out my article, Mental Health Rest, for the story of my trip to Tilghman. Now I would like to share how I saw God’s splendor in some of my snapshots of Kona.

God’s Splendor in the Sky

I can’t seem to let go of 2 AM, my second night in Kona. I woke up and had an urge to look through the windows. I lifted the blinds to see outside and found myself standing frozen in awe. Literally, I saw what appeared to be billions of stars of different sizes and brilliances! Their sparkling light show filled the entire sky. I have never in my whole life, except in the movies, seen so many stars clustered together. I ran for my iPhone and 50D Canon camera and attempted to take a picture, but to no avail. No camera could do it justice! All I could do was stand and marvel at how awe-inspiring God is.

Since I was unable to capture what I saw, I am sharing a picture taken from Keck Observatory by Andrew Richard Hara.

Keck Observatory, taken by Andrew Richard Hara

In Exodus 15:11 it states, “Who is like you among the gods, O LORD—glorious in holiness, awesome in splendor, performing great wonders?” (NLT). His splendor was in the stars. The heavens proclaim his glory and “the skies display his craftsmanship” (Psalm 19:1, NLT). The sky that night definitely displayed his artistry and left me with an experience I will always remember.

God’s Splendor in the Sunsets

As I said earlier, I wrote an article about my visit to Tilghman Island and the magnificent sunrises and sunsets. But there is no comparison to the sunsets in Kona. I was blown away by what I saw. The exciting thing is that the beauty of the sunset wasn’t when the sun was visible. It was when it had sunk below the horizon and could no longer be seen. That is when the variations of the different colors come to life. At times they were not visible to the eye but could still be captured through the camera lens. Also, each beach had its unique presentation of colors. What more, not only did the ocean display the grand splendor of God’s sunsets, but the mountains did likewise. The radiance of the colors surrounding the mountains was a sight to behold.

Hapuna Beach, Kona, Hawaii
Fairmont Hotel, Kona, Hawaii
Maunakea, Kona, Hawaii

God’s Splendor on the Mountain

The front of the house where I was staying faced Maunakea, a dormant volcanic mountain with an elevation of 14,000 feet. Maunakea hosts the Keck Observatory for studying the stars and is open to visitors. From my window, I could see the top of the mountain towering majestically over the clouds. Not only was it above the clouds, but the observatory was also visible. But what captivated my attention was the shadows of the clouds and the reflection of the sun when it hit the back of the mountain. When that happened, I could sense that something powerful was present.

Maunakea, Kona, Hawaii
Shadows of the Clouds

God’s Splendor in Us

I cannot show you a picture, but I want you to consider this: like the skies, sunsets, and mountains, you too were created to be a part of God’s splendor. We are part of his handiwork as stated in Psalm 139:13-14: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (NIV).

To conclude, sometimes I forget how beautiful God’s creation is. But when I stop and focus on my surroundings and see nature doing its work, I am moved by the little details that God has woven together to display his magnificence. What about you?

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April 4, 2019 0 comment
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We take time off when we’re not feeling well, or we take a vacation to visit friends and family, but rarely we think about taking time away from home for a mental health rest. What I mean by this rest is to slow down our minds by being still in the moment. I don’t know about you, but I don’t know how to slow down. My mind is constantly busy. I can be in a room filled with people and yet not be aware of anyone because my mind is somewhere else. As a result, I decided one day to get away, to slow down my thoughts so I could focus on prayer and listen for wisdom from God. During my time away, I learned three valuable lessons.

Tilghman Island getaway

For my mental health rest, I chose Tilghman Island, Maryland, mainly due to the pictures I saw on the internet. Tilghman Island is about a two-and-a-half-hour drive from where I live and is located where the Choptank River meets the Chesapeake Bay. The island is literally where they connect. At the point of connection, there is a bed-and-breakfast called the Black Walnut Point Inn.

Black Walnut Point Inn

When I arrived, I admit, I wasn’t impressed by the inn and the surrounding landscape because the pictures on the Internet didn’t reflect the current environment. They had been taken mainly during the summer. The scene during my visit was of winter: cold, windy with no snow, and the flowers all gone. Furthermore, the inn is a historical site owned by the state. Most of the interior was built in 1847. Not much has changed, and the caretakers are not allowed to make any structural modifications. I personally prefer contemporary interior decor.

I soon changed my attitude when I realized the building wasn’t the reason why people chose the inn. It was the view! I was mesmerized by the sunrises and sunsets and overpowered by the colors I saw. There were pink and purple hues during dawn and yellows and reds at sunset. All I could do was stare at the sky.

Sunrise at Black Walnut Point Inn
Sunset at Black Walnut Point Inn

Lesson 1: I can’t slow down until I explore my environment

Now let’s go back to the lessons learned. First, my brain has to immerse itself in my environment before it can slow down. There was so much beauty around me that my mind got distracted. I felt like a kid in a candy store who is excited to see the different kinds of candies and doesn’t want to leave until she has tried each flavor. My mind was so diverted that I couldn’t say which was the most important reason for my coming here. I had to see everything before I left.

Instead of slowing down mentally, I went into a picture-taking mode. All I wanted to do was find new things to take pictures off. I even decided to walk through the thick marsh to look for swans, even though I am terrified of snakes. I didn’t find any swans, but my new-found courage to walk through the swamp took me by surprise.

Looking for swans

Lesson 2: Focus on the images that interest the mind

After exploring the area, I realized I needed to focus on one particular aspect of the place that captured my mind. For example, there were the sunrises and sunsets I’d mentioned earlier, but the most thought-provoking place was the site of a huge cross. The cross is at Black Walnut Point, the southernmost part of the island, where the Choptank River and the Chesapeake Bay come together. I don’t know, and I didn’t think to ask, why the cross was placed at that spot.

The merger of the Choptank River and Chesapeake Bay

I began to leave behind my hectic thoughts and enjoy the majestic splendor of God. Gratitude came alive. With a joyous heart, I started to thank God for being there, for allowing me to immerse myself among his magnificent works. With my grateful heart, I poured out my prayers and petitions to him as an overwhelming sense of calmness came over me.

Immersed into God’s Creation

Lesson 3: Be still to listen for God’s voice

As I stood still under the cross with the sunlight striking the left side of my face, and the river and bay before me I felt God telling me to pay attention to see how this moment, this image of the environment, related to my present life. It was an analogy for my life. Ahead of me was this body of water which represents all my fears. The fears of the unknown. Yes, I have a lot of unknowns in my life. The fear of rejection, failure, lack of confidence, the evils of the world and so forth—they all prevent me from moving forward and sometimes stop me from accepting God’s truths about my life.

Under the Cross

The cross, on the other hand, represents love, forgiveness, hope, triumph, and the assurance that I am never alone. I am part of God’s family. Because of his Son’s suffering on the cross, I can conquer any difficulty.

The sunlight that was radiating over my face represented God’s light. A light so powerful that it can banish any darkness. A light that allows me to shine regardless of all the mistakes and messes I made of my life.

I felt God speaking to my heart and saying: Rose, because of the cross, you are with me. I have chosen you to shine. Step into my light. I know you’re fearful of what is ahead, just like this body of water. It looks enormous, but I am still greater. My light is greater than any darkness you have ever feared. I will help you overcome your fears and the obstacles that that block my light. What a rejuvenating mental health experience! But I had to keep still so that my senses could engage in that experience.

As I drove back home, I felt a sense of freedom listening to the below song, Step into the Light by Passion.

Step into the Light

Life bombards us with decisions that we have to make every day. It is important to find time to take a mental health rest to declutter our minds and listen for God’s voice. That might mean going away from our familiar environments. The lesson for all of us is that we can’t hear God speak to our hearts if we don’t slow down and keep still. Check out this link for scriptures about stillness and rest.

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February 25, 2019 2 comments
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I hesitated to share my self-reflection for 2018. But as I look back, I see that gratitude builds faith. Writing down what I am grateful for and recounting all the wonderful things Jesus has done for me has been a source of comfort and hope when I get stuck in life’s difficult challenges. Remembering what God has accomplished for my life renews my commitment to hold on to my faith as a Christian.

Follow Me

I want to share what I am thankful for as I enter into 2019. Frist, sharing fills my soul with gratitude and shuts out the negative voices that say that my efforts are not working. My mindset has always focused on the future—on what I should be doing and what I am not doing. As a result, I missed a few opportunities along the way. Some might say I missed the mark and got stuck in “what I should have done.”

Being grateful for what has already occurred validates that I am on the right track. It redirects me to look at the present to see what is already there rather than looking back at what should have been. It reminds me not to be discouraged and to continue with what I am doing. Sharing my successes not only strengthens my faith, but it might also help others to self-reflect and fill themselves with gratitude for what God is doing in their lives.

Thankful for Blessings

As I look back, a lot of great things have happened that I should be thankful for. I will list a few and will also share some of my hopes and dreams for 2019. First, I thank God for giving up his only son so that I could be a part of his family. It is in his family that I can receive his love and grace. I am very privileged to be in a church family that loves me for who I am and encourages me to keep making Jesus the Lord of my life. I am thankful for their love, their physical care, their spiritual and emotional support over the years.

I am thankful for my children. Their love for others and willingness to help others fill my heart with joy. They are navigating their path to discover who they are and who they are meant to be. It takes maturity to have the insight in knowing your strengths and limits and confronting the barriers to self-discovery.  And that’s what they have been doing from an early age. I am very proud of who they are and who they will become. At times I feel guilty for pulling them into my world. I know I don’t have the power to protect them from the negativity I might encounter as a domestic violence advocate, but I am thankful for their support as I continue to walk this path.

I am Here

The saying “it takes a village to raise a child” applies to my experience as a divorced and single mother taking care of three children. I am often asked, “How do you do it?” The answer is simple: I’m not doing it alone. Church family, in-laws, and biological relatives have all played a role. Today I want to thank the Bernards for standing in as my maternal family. (I am withholding first names to protect their privacy). To the Bernards, the Dennises, the Johnsons, and the Sirleafs, I thank God for giving you wisdom and compassion to provide, physical, emotional, and financial support for my family. As I reflect, you all have been a part of most of my adult life. I will always cherish the memories I make with you all as long as I live.

My Village

I am thankful for my book, A Path to Hope. To be honest, I have experienced a lot of discouragement due to difficulties in marketing the book. I didn’t write the book to make money, although an increase in sales would repay some of the hard work that was done to make the book a reality. At times I can get stuck in what should have happened with the book when I should be celebrating the little successes. For example, a few days ago I received an email from a reader who told me that my “blog and book was invaluable.” I was excited at first, but instead of rejoicing, my mind shifted to the “what should have been.” This 2019, I am going to embrace small successes like that because they help me break down the walls of negative thoughts that distract me from my goals.

gratitude
rosesaad.com

I will strive to put into practice Zechariah 4:10 that states, “Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin” (New Living Translation). Yes, I will celebrate every little step because God rejoices when he sees that I am doing his work.

gratitude
Embrace Small Steps

I am filled with gratitude for the Path to Hope first event in 2018, A Cry for Help. It was a very successful workshop!  As I have stated in previous posts, my mission is to increase awareness of domestic violence and its effects on families and to share information about resources that can be used to help victims. That was the goal of the workshop, and I am pleased to say that it was achieved! 

gratitude
A Path to Hope

I will be organizing another workshop this year. This will be a small step towards my desire to create a non-profit to empower the lives of Christian women who have experienced domestic violence, through education, peer and spiritual support.

I am also excited to announce the first A Path to Hope support group will be launched in February! More information to come soon.

All these experiences reinforced that God is taking care of me and will continue to meet my needs. He will send the people and resources I need to keep doing his will. As I speak, he is actively sending emotional support as evidenced by new relationships on social media and though other contacts with people with the same passion and mission as mine. I am thankful for my new friendships.

This 2019, as I stated earlier, I am going to enjoy living in the moment, the now, and will celebrate every little success along the way as I walk the path that God has set for me. With a thankful heart, I can move mountains.  

What about you? What are you grateful for? You probably have your own list of what God has done and is doing to help build your faith. 

As Psalm 106:1 reminds us, “Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

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January 13, 2019 2 comments
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I first heard about Dr. Tamara O’Neil’s brutal slaying from my daughter. She called to ask me if I was part of the conversation on Twitter. My response was, in effect (I didn’t verbalize my thoughts to her), “I don’t care.” But after a couple of minutes, my mind became flooded with emotions. These emotions were triggered by the fact that a lot of domestic violence cases are sensationalized on social media and in the news. When someone is killed by an abusive partner, that is when domestic violence is front-page news. After a couple of days, the topic is pushed back and forgotten. To prove my point, I am writing this blog a few weeks after O’Neil’s murder, and domestic violence is no longer a priority in the news.

This leads me to ask myself “Are most people really interested in bringing about change?” From my observation, some people use the dramatization of physical violence on the media to attract viewers to promote a particular political agenda, such as gun control. For example, the NewYork Times article about the death of Dr. O’Neil dealt mainly with gun control. She was mentioned only briefly.

I am not trying to dismiss the fact that, according to that article, women are five times more likely to be killed in a domestic violence relationship when guns are present.

Yes, I do agree we need gun control. It doesn’t make sense  to purchase guns whose primary purpose is to kill people and not animals. On the other hand, we need to remember that many abusers have killed their partners without the use of firearms. Therefore, not owning a gun will not stop abuse.

Discussing the issues around firearms is essential, but when someone is killed by their partner, domestic violence should be the primary focus. When the argument shifts to gun control or some other political interest, it diminishes the victim’s story.

For those social and commercial news media outlets who broadcast the story, listing links or numbers to call about domestic violence is not enough. I believe the media should have the responsibility of defining domestic violence and showing how it really looks like. Or they should interview experts who could inform the public about the dynamics of abuse. Don’t we as parents use a crisis to teach our children about the conflict at hand? For example, when our kids are bullied at school or experience racial inequality in our community, don’t we use those incidents to address what to do, or talkabout self-acceptance? That’s what I did.

I also believe that it’s crucial to consider the physical and psychological safety of the victims and their families and other survivors that are watching.

Take the case of Andrea Grinage. Her boyfriend poured a flammable liquid on her body and set her on fire, inflicting her with seventy-five percent burns. Andrea was seven months pregnant at the time of the incident. Months later wusa9 had a follow-up interview with her. What I found troubling about the interview, as in other cases like this, was its timing and lack of concern for the safety of the victim. Andrea was still in the process of physical healing. She was scheduled for more surgeries. Even though some of the operations were successful, she still faced a long and difficult path to full recovery. In my opinion, she needed more time to recover.

Second, during the time of her interview, her assailant’s trial was postponed due to pending DNA results. I am not a lawyer, but I cannot understand how a DNA test was going to change the fact that he set her on fire. The point here is that her safety was still at risk and she was being asked to share information that might compromise that safety. At one point during the interview, she was asked if her boyfriend had physically assaulted her before the incident. She refused to answer the question because his trial was still pending.

I understand Andrea wanted to share her story to help others, but the interviewer should have recognized that she needed time to heal. Telling her story in her present stage of recovery might not be helpful for many who are watching. For me, it created anger and a fear for her life. My anger was due to the insensitivity of the media for not allowing her the time she needed to process the impact of the violence as she sought physical and emotional healing.

When the media dramatize domestic violence to attract viewers, they are forsaking the opportunity to educate the public and inspire them to take action. For survivors who might be watching the dramatization of the assault, it might evoke fear, shame, and outrage. There are no real takeaways or answers that might help in understanding the impact of abuse on a person’s wellbeingand providing the resources to heal. However, it should be obvious that the sensational headlines are not helpful.

If the media are genuinely interested in bringing about change, then yes, domestic violence education is the first step. As they educate the public, they should also call upon the people to take action. Taking action against domestic violence is even more important as talking about it. Organizations that have the political and financial resources should support advocates who are diligently working to bring change. Organizations that are advocating to change the laws at the state and national level to protect the victims and hold perpetrators responsible should be given the resources they need to succeed.

Domestic violence awareness should not be a once-a-year topic or wait until someone dies. Every October the issue is addressed. The sad thing is that, even during that one month, the events that are organized by dedicated advocates are poorly attended. I can attest to that. I held a workshop that was specially geared towards educating the church about domestic violence. Thirty-five people attended that event. I have been to similar events hosted by local and state organizations that had even smaller numbers.

As we watch the stories of Dr. Tamara O’Neil and Andrea Grinage in the media, we can turn our outrage into resolve to bring about change. We can begin by educating ourselves about effective ways of helping victims. Check out my blogs A Call for Action and Who’s Going to Speak Up? and the links below to learn about the basic steps in helping survivors of domestic violence. 

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/victims-and-survivors/

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/12-things-everyone-help-victims-domestic-violence

https://www.thehotline.org/help/help-for-friends-and-family/

https://youtu.be/ElJxUVJ8blw
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December 18, 2018 2 comments
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