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In my previous blog, Domestic Abuse: The Transformation Process, I stated that the impact of the abuse is subtle and that it takes time to recognize that the abuse has changed who you are as a person. Yet some of these changes are obvious to others. I will list how to tell that you have been transformed and how to reclaim yourself.

You may recognize that something is missing and sense that something about you has changed. You might not like the person you have become, however you are not aware of your loss. You may recognize that your thinking process has altered, yet you might not be aware of changes to your self-esteem.

God will help you

Signs and Symptoms That You Have Transformed

If you experienced any of these signs, you mostly have been transformed.

  • You know something is wrong, but you can’t figure it out
  • You isolate yourself because you feel embarrassed about yourself
  • You accept his excuses for his actions
  • You accept responsibility for his action and take the blame
  • You deny that any abuse is happening
  • You don’t trust yourself to make decisions
  • You rely on your abuser to do all the thinking
  • You live in shame and humiliation
  • You believe that you are the problem
  • You second-guess yourself
  • You feel confused and disoriented about his behaviors
  • You are unsure about your recollection of events at home
  • You are consumed by thoughts about the abuse and how to stop it
  • You feel that you are losing your mind
  • Fear consumes your day-to-day activities
  • You feel powerless to change the situation
  • You are easily anxious and irritable
  • You are afraid to voice your opinion
  • You feel emotionally fatigued and physically drained
  • You feel emotionally numb
  • You lack interest in activities that you once loved

As a result of these signs and symptoms, your self-image is profoundly damaged. To put it another way, it is almost like a “death of self.” This state of mind can lead to feelings of hopelessness and make you believe that you don’t have the power to get help. The good news is that there is always hope for change.

Ask for help

Reclaiming yourself

Awareness that the abuse has changed you is the first step to recovery. Reclaiming yourself can be difficult, and it will take time and effort to do it. Here are some of the actions you might have to take to reclaim who you were before the abuse.

  • Remove yourself from your abusive environment
  • Seek professional help
  • Pray and meditate to strengthen your spiritual self
  • Be kind, patient, compassionate and empathetic toward yourself
  • Forgive yourself
  • Tell your story in a safe place; it is your truth and it will help to set you free
  • Celebrate your survival, especially if you were able to break free
  • Love yourself by engaging in activities to promote wellness like exercising, eating right, and finding time to relax
  • Reconnect with people who love and care about you
  • Join a community of support to meet your physical and emotional needs
  • Attend a support group with people who have experienced domestic abuse
  • Engage in activities you enjoy, or consider new activities
  • Set healthy boundaries
  • Regain your voice by telling others what you need and want
  • Combat your negative thoughts with positive thoughts
  • Take responsibility for your actions and let go of things that you cannot control
  • Focus on your strengths
  • Volunteer to help other survivors of abuse
  • Grieve and let go of your sense of loss
  • Journal about your transformational journey
You can overcome any difficulty

You can overcome any difficulty

As you journey through the stages of regaining the person you were before the abuse, remind yourself that you are strong and can overcome any difficulty. Surviving abuse is evidence that you have the power to find yourself again. Hold on to your faith. Embrace God’s love because it has the power to set you free. The abuse was never a part of God’s plan for your life. So, move forward and be the wonderful person that God wants you to be.

Check out these links for more on self-care:

Self-care

https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/lists/self-care-strategies?q=0#list-scroll

* https://images.app.goo.gl/Tmb1VihZC3twpXwt7

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July 3, 2019 3 comments
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I first heard about Dr. Tamara O’Neil’s brutal slaying from my daughter. She called to ask me if I was part of the conversation on Twitter. My response was, in effect (I didn’t verbalize my thoughts to her), “I don’t care.” But after a couple of minutes, my mind became flooded with emotions. These emotions were triggered by the fact that a lot of domestic violence cases are sensationalized on social media and in the news. When someone is killed by an abusive partner, that is when domestic violence is front-page news. After a couple of days, the topic is pushed back and forgotten. To prove my point, I am writing this blog a few weeks after O’Neil’s murder, and domestic violence is no longer a priority in the news.

This leads me to ask myself “Are most people really interested in bringing about change?” From my observation, some people use the dramatization of physical violence on the media to attract viewers to promote a particular political agenda, such as gun control. For example, the NewYork Times article about the death of Dr. O’Neil dealt mainly with gun control. She was mentioned only briefly.

I am not trying to dismiss the fact that, according to that article, women are five times more likely to be killed in a domestic violence relationship when guns are present.

Yes, I do agree we need gun control. It doesn’t make sense  to purchase guns whose primary purpose is to kill people and not animals. On the other hand, we need to remember that many abusers have killed their partners without the use of firearms. Therefore, not owning a gun will not stop abuse.

Discussing the issues around firearms is essential, but when someone is killed by their partner, domestic violence should be the primary focus. When the argument shifts to gun control or some other political interest, it diminishes the victim’s story.

For those social and commercial news media outlets who broadcast the story, listing links or numbers to call about domestic violence is not enough. I believe the media should have the responsibility of defining domestic violence and showing how it really looks like. Or they should interview experts who could inform the public about the dynamics of abuse. Don’t we as parents use a crisis to teach our children about the conflict at hand? For example, when our kids are bullied at school or experience racial inequality in our community, don’t we use those incidents to address what to do, or talkabout self-acceptance? That’s what I did.

I also believe that it’s crucial to consider the physical and psychological safety of the victims and their families and other survivors that are watching.

Take the case of Andrea Grinage. Her boyfriend poured a flammable liquid on her body and set her on fire, inflicting her with seventy-five percent burns. Andrea was seven months pregnant at the time of the incident. Months later wusa9 had a follow-up interview with her. What I found troubling about the interview, as in other cases like this, was its timing and lack of concern for the safety of the victim. Andrea was still in the process of physical healing. She was scheduled for more surgeries. Even though some of the operations were successful, she still faced a long and difficult path to full recovery. In my opinion, she needed more time to recover.

Second, during the time of her interview, her assailant’s trial was postponed due to pending DNA results. I am not a lawyer, but I cannot understand how a DNA test was going to change the fact that he set her on fire. The point here is that her safety was still at risk and she was being asked to share information that might compromise that safety. At one point during the interview, she was asked if her boyfriend had physically assaulted her before the incident. She refused to answer the question because his trial was still pending.

I understand Andrea wanted to share her story to help others, but the interviewer should have recognized that she needed time to heal. Telling her story in her present stage of recovery might not be helpful for many who are watching. For me, it created anger and a fear for her life. My anger was due to the insensitivity of the media for not allowing her the time she needed to process the impact of the violence as she sought physical and emotional healing.

When the media dramatize domestic violence to attract viewers, they are forsaking the opportunity to educate the public and inspire them to take action. For survivors who might be watching the dramatization of the assault, it might evoke fear, shame, and outrage. There are no real takeaways or answers that might help in understanding the impact of abuse on a person’s wellbeingand providing the resources to heal. However, it should be obvious that the sensational headlines are not helpful.

If the media are genuinely interested in bringing about change, then yes, domestic violence education is the first step. As they educate the public, they should also call upon the people to take action. Taking action against domestic violence is even more important as talking about it. Organizations that have the political and financial resources should support advocates who are diligently working to bring change. Organizations that are advocating to change the laws at the state and national level to protect the victims and hold perpetrators responsible should be given the resources they need to succeed.

Domestic violence awareness should not be a once-a-year topic or wait until someone dies. Every October the issue is addressed. The sad thing is that, even during that one month, the events that are organized by dedicated advocates are poorly attended. I can attest to that. I held a workshop that was specially geared towards educating the church about domestic violence. Thirty-five people attended that event. I have been to similar events hosted by local and state organizations that had even smaller numbers.

As we watch the stories of Dr. Tamara O’Neil and Andrea Grinage in the media, we can turn our outrage into resolve to bring about change. We can begin by educating ourselves about effective ways of helping victims. Check out my blogs A Call for Action and Who’s Going to Speak Up? and the links below to learn about the basic steps in helping survivors of domestic violence. 

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/victims-and-survivors/

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/12-things-everyone-help-victims-domestic-violence

https://www.thehotline.org/help/help-for-friends-and-family/

https://youtu.be/ElJxUVJ8blw
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December 18, 2018 2 comments
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A Cry for Help is a domestic violence workshop scheduled for September 15, 2018. In researching how to host a successful event, I came across an Eventbrite marketing strategy timeline template. They recommend that you write a post stating the purpose of your event before the registration process. In other words, the why behind your actions is essential to convincing people to attend.

Why do I want to host a domestic violence workshop? In my last blog A Call for Action, I addressed some of the reasons for my actions. I want to educate others about domestic violence. My burning passion is to be an advocate, a voice within the church and the community for the victims and survivors of abuse. With that voice, I can empower other survivors to speak out – because collectively, we can make a difference.

For this workshop, there are two types of people that I would like to speak to. The first is any woman who is a survivor of domestic violence. Let me emphasize here that men are victims too and can certainly benefit from the workshop, but the primary focus is on the woman for the simple reason that most domestic violence victims are female. My second audience is the community in which the woman interacts. This means anyone who wants to know more about domestic violence and how to help.

As a survivor and a Christian, my faith was central in helping me to understand the effects of the violence on my physical, psychological, and spiritual well-being. It also allowed me to realize that violence was not God’s will for my life. I want women of faith who have experienced abuse to develop a conviction that the Scriptures have the power to educate and transform their lives regardless of the pain they have endured.  Jesus states in Matthew 22:29, “You are in error because you do not know the power of the Scriptures or the power of God.”

We cannot underestimate the power of God. He can change every situation according to his will. Many abused women may have felt rejection from their members of faith when they came forward to expose the abuse. They were judged by others and blamed for what was occurring in the relationship. And some had to leave the church community due to lack of support. Regardless of those experiences, God is supreme, and he has the power to change the course of their lives.

I also want survivors to recognize the power of education. Education is essential to understanding the dynamics of abuse and its impact on one’s physical, emotional, and spiritual self. This knowledge will influence the type of help that is needed and show one how to tap into the resources to change his or her situation.

The second purpose of the workshop is to educate the community, most specifically the church. This need for education was recently reaffirmed by two courageous women who are members of the Mennonite church. When they broke the silence, they were blamed, misjudged, and shunned by others within their church family. In essence, they experienced rejection from their community. When I asked one of the women why she stayed, she answered, “If I leave, how will I make a difference?”  Her response struck a chord within me and reignited my desire to overcome my fears not to give up.  Regardless of their experiences, these women were willing to stay for the overall good and bear the emotional pain that comes with rejection.

I love my church family and I am fortunate to have an excellent group of people who loved my children and me and still do today. They are also instrumental in my success as a parent and are responsible for the maturation of my faith. However, as with most churches, there is still denial that abuse is occurring within the congregation. I pray that I, like my courageous friends, will have the voice to make a difference.

“Why are most churches in denial?” I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt. I have come to believe that addressing abuse is like opening Pandora’s box. When the evil is exposed it will become too obvious to ignore and the church will have the moral duty to respond.

I am sure that there are many plausible-sounding reasons for not breaking the silence within the church environment.  One possible reason may be the inability to identify abuse in relationships where there is no physical evidence of violence. The dismissive claim that abuse is a relational problem rather than a power and control issue shows the need for education. Education is required to distinguish abusive behaviors from normal relationship problems and to apply the appropriate interventions.

Other reasons could be the possibility of personal danger or legal implications when trying to help. We have all heard stories about people who lost their lives by trying to help. And yet there is some risk attached to anything we do in life. Shouldn’t we take the chance if it means saving someone?

A Cry for Help will educate those who are willing to remove some of the barriers to helping victims of abuse. We will define what domestic violence means, show how to create an environment for breaking the silence, and offer resources to make referrals to the community. We will discuss how we can give help, whether as laypersons or as individuals with no leadership function within the church. Lastly, we will help you understand what your legal role is and what you are not required to do.

The speakers are highly trained in their specialties, in addition to being survivors of domestic abuse as well as advocates who are actively involved in educating the church and the community on how to help.

Look out for the registration information on  A Path to Hope, or check out my website rosesaad.com. I hope you will join me on September 15, 2018.  Together we can make a difference!

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April 21, 2018 0 comment
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As a survivor and an advocate for victims of domestic abuse, there are three areas that I wish to address as a platform. Too often survivors do not have a voice. Their voices have been taken away by the violence. But when we educate ourselves as survivors about the dynamics of violence and tell others what we want and need, our voices are infused with power. We become catalysts for change. With united voices, change is certain to happen.

We can no longer sit back and watch others suffer. As Christians, we are empowered by God to change the situation. When we are steeped in God’s power no one can stand in our way. We will be able to speak the truth with love regardless of the responses from others, even from our leaders of faith

As I address those areas I want to change, I hope to encourage those who are reading this to respond. This response could mean getting involved in your community, speaking out against violence against women and children, or by supporting your local domestic violence center. We all have the moral responsibility to stop violence against others.

Education

In the absence of physical evidence (such as bruises), people might not think domestic abuse is happening. Depictions of physical violence in the media reinforce this type of thinking. The violence shown on our screens may attract viewers, but none of these media seriously try to educate the public or call upon them to take action. But the abused woman who is watching these violent scenes is flooded with shame and humiliation. There are no real takeaways or solutions that might help one to understand the physical and psychological impact of the abuse on her wellbeing, let alone the resources to seek help.

Too often the question is asked, “Why doesn’t she leave?”  I believe there is a knowledge deficit on the part of the individual who is asking this question. To answer that question, one must understand the dynamics of abuse. The public needs to understand how easy it is for someone to get trapped in the cycle of abuse and how hard it is to get out.

To educate the public, domestic abuse must first be defined. There are different types of abuse. Emotional or psychological abuse is rampant in abusive relationships and occurs far more often than physical violence.

Physical abuse entails more than physical assault; it also includes physically blocking someone’s movement or locking her out of the house.

Sexual abuse or rape is extremely prevalent in a violent relationship. Even though a woman may realize that sexual coercion is occurring in her relationship, it is easier to deny it than to admit it to others.

Other types of abuse are economical and spiritual. Economic abuse is not paying the bills, refusing to give the woman money, or refusing to support the family. Spiritual abuse is using religion to justify one’s position as a controller, invoking God to instill fear, or preventing the woman from going to church.

Understanding the tactics and the cycle of violence will expose how the abuser operates to gain power and control. Establishing power and control is the abuser’s objective.

It is easy for the victim to get caught in the web of violence. The abuser is not always violent or domineering. Indeed, the relationship may appear quite normal – on the surface. The victim might not even believe she is in an abusive relationship. Or she might realize that her relationship is abusive, but the powerful force called the honeymoon phase binds her to the relationship. During this phase, and after a violent episode, the abuser exhibits acts of kindness, apologizes for his behavior, and promises not to hurt her again. He might even agree to seek counseling. These types of behaviors reinforce the hope that the abuser can change. That hope makes it difficult for the victim to leave.

However, over time and without intervention, the impact of the abuse on the victim’s psychological and physical health makes it harder to escape. As she attempts to cope with the abuse, she develops a sense of failure and shame. She is overwhelmed by feelings of humiliation, embarrassment, self-blame, fear, and denial. All these reactions end up weakening her self-esteem and eroding her ability to manage her life and seek help.

Society needs to be educated on how to remove the misinformation about victims of abuse. Victims of rape and domestic violence are still stigmatized by our society. They are often seen as weak or foolish and of somehow at fault for bringing the situation down upon themselves. A statement such as “She must like the abuse, or she would have left the relationship” reinforces this type of misconception. Also, victims of violence are perceived as a byproduct of a marginalized environment; perhaps they use drugs and alcohol or are poor and uneducated. This belief cannot be further from the truth. Abuse can occur in any social group, regardless of economic status or educational attainment.

I have seen so many comments on a video or story about an abused woman who refuses to leave a relationship. She is often called many unpleasant names. It is critical that we teach others about the dynamics of domestic violence and its consequences. It is only by abandoning misconceptions and negative attitudes towards abused women that people can give them the help they need.

It is also important that education includes the prevention of abuse. Prevention is the key to ending domestic violence. For example, helping women identify red flags early in the relationship can help them make informed decisions before committing to marriage. Common red flags are routine road rage/aggressive driving, lack of respect for her privacy and personal boundaries, excessive jealousy, and rushing the idea of living together or marriage. Too often women are unaware of these red flags, or they may feel that something is wrong but ignore their intuition. When something doesn’t feel right, the woman should give careful thought to those feelings. When her psyche is being violated, the relationship is not right!

Access to Resources and Support

When someone is trying to get out from an abusive relationship, it is important to remind her that SHE CANNOT DO IT BY HERSELF! She needs the community’s help. The first step in seeking help is for the victim to have validation of her story. Validating that the abuser’s behaviors are wrong and shouldn’t be tolerated is an essential step to empowerment. Not only should validation and protection of the victim begin with the victim’s family, but the abuser’s family should be an advocate and a voice for the victim as well.

The victims and abusers should have easy access to community resources. The community, including family members, should shoulder the responsibility for upholding the law and holding abusers accountable for their actions. Safety should always be the highest priority. Therefore, members of the community should refer victims – even those who do not have any evidence of physical assault – to agencies that specialize in domestic abuse.

The Church/Religious Organizations

The church and other religious organizations can no longer be silent about domestic abuse. According to statistics, one in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Members of the Christian church and other religions are not immune from this condition. The church cannot keep quiet while its members are suffering. We are called to be our brothers’ and sisters’ keepers. When we turn away and pretend that abuse is not occurring, we are refusing to follow the footsteps of Jesus.

To address the problem, religious organizations must first learn everything about domestic violence. Training is required for the church leaders to be able to identify the symptoms of domestic violence. It is important to note that domestic violence is not due to lack of communication and should not be viewed as a relationship problem. To collect the data and make the appropriate diagnosis and intervention, a safe environment where the victim can discuss her experiences is a must. Therefore, the church must provide a non-judgmental environment where the woman can talk openly.

Churches and other religious organizations must collaborate with agencies in the community that specialize in helping domestic violence victims. Few churches have the resources to protect the victim when her safety is threatened. Nor can they provide legal counsel or the physical and psychological interventions that are needed to help the victim recover. As a result, the church must make referrals.

All religions must bear the responsibility if they refuse to address abuse, or if they discourage the victim from seeking help. In most cases, the misinterpretation of scriptures by those who are supposedly helping the woman can end up harming her psychological and spiritual wellbeing and make it difficult for her to break free from her torment. The role of the church is to clarify the scriptures and allow the woman to develop her own convictions as she seeks spiritual and emotional healing. The scriptures have the power to help the woman break free. This can be achieved by helping the woman build her faith so that she changes her perception of how God sees her as his child. As a part of his family, she is not meant to be abused.

The scriptures can be used to address abuse. God’s response to sin does not change, regardless of the sin. Sin is sin. The role of the church is to hold its members accountable for their sins. Domestic violence is sin, and every sin requires repentance. Repentance is a complete change of heart as in 2 Corinthians 7:10-11. It requires godly sorrow that leads to the urgency to change, which means admitting that one is an abuser and asking others to help him change his behaviors. If the abuser refuses to change, then Jesus states in Matthew 18:15-17 that we should treat that person as “a pagan or a tax collector.” In the case of domestic violence, when the abuser refuses to stop his destructive actions, then the victim has not only the moral right but an obligation to seek a legal separation.

Scriptures that address submission, such as Ephesians 5:22-24, need to be clarified. The church should define what submission is not. Submission is not accepting verbal or physical or sexual abuse. Other scriptures that address suffering (e.g., 1 Peter 2:21-23) are misused to reinforce that abuse is a woman’s cross to bear. But Jesus’ suffering was by choice and for a good purpose; the abused woman’s suffering is forced upon her and produces nothing good. It covers up the sins of the abuser while letting him escape the consequences. By not letting the abuser reap the consequences of his behaviors, we encourage the woman to violate the laws of the land.

Stopping the violence and holding perpetrators accountable starts within the family and extends outward to the community and society. We can no longer sit back and watch our mothers, sisters, and daughters endure violence. All faiths must acknowledge that violence is occurring among their members. The community is morally obligated to protect the woman and her children from violence.

Individually, we all have a moral responsibility to stop violence against women. What are you going to do?

Please, Mark Your Calendars!

Out of my desire to empower survivors to speak out and learn how they can make a difference together, I will be organizing a workshop called A Cry for Help. Preliminary date for the workshop is September 15, 2018.

The purpose of this workshop is to educate members and leaders of faith communities about domestic violence and how to better support those who suffer from this violence. A Cry for Help will be primarily conducted by survivors of domestic violence. It is time that the survivors have a voice. We believe that survivors can best discover and communicate their needs and struggles within their faith communities.

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March 3, 2018 0 comment
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My book, A Path to Hope: Restoring the Spirit of the Abused Christian Woman, was published more than a year ago. I had anticipated a significant audience, speaking engagements, and collaborating with others who are working with victims of domestic violence. What I didn’t anticipate was that I would be in a state where my purpose and mission was not defined, and experiencing difficulty navigating social media. I spent most of my time focusing on what others were doing and comparing their actions to what I was doing (or not doing). My hypercritical self-image led to feelings of disappointment and defeat.
I tell myself that I don’t want to be like everyone else, yet I am not sure of what my particular role is. I know what I don’t want to do. For example, I don’t want to spend all my time to have to advocate to change the laws for abuse victims. I would also prefer not to engage in intellectual or biblical debates about what the scriptures say about abuse. And yet I do want to be the abused woman’s voice, to be her advocate within and outside the church. The question is, How?
As I self-reflect, some questions demand answers. Questions like, “Why did you write a book?” “Why are you willing to share your heart with the public?” “Are you ready to risk your privacy and the privacy of your children?” These questions might seem simple at first, but the emotional strength that is required to answer them is overwhelming. To answer, I will have to expose a part of my inner being.
I believe that my answers should overcome the emotional risks and inspire me to stand firm even when life becomes overwhelming. The answer is that my core values, which include my beliefs and my desire to make a difference, should serve as a catalyst for my actions. I believe that every woman who is experiencing domestic violence has the moral and legal right to protect herself and her children against violence. I also believe that she has the God-given power to bring about change. Her power lies in her decision to break free.
I also believe that education is a powerful tool for change. For the woman of faith, education includes understanding the interpretations of her religious scriptures. Understanding the dynamics of domestic violence and its physical and psychological impact was critical in helping me seek change. Studying the scriptures empowered me to change my perception of the abuse, which led to the conviction that God does not want me to be abused.
To return to the question, why did I write A Path to Hope? The answer is, I did it to educate female victims of violence and help lead them to God for emotional and spiritual healing. I also wanted to encourage them to have a voice within their faith communities.
Too often, women and girls who are experiencing violence do not have a voice. (I realize that men are also victimized, but my primary focus is on women.) Their voices are suppressed by the abusers and their communities, but when they learn about the dynamics of violence and tell others their stories, their voices will be heard. They will be catalysts for change. With united voices and God as the focus of their interactions, change is bound to happen. I wish to see this vision come to pass.
As part of making my vision a reality, I am going to write a series of blog posts called, “I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now.” They are based on my journey to find clarity and understand the dynamics of domestic abuse and how the scriptures helped me to break free. I am passionate about sharing my story because I want others to know that they, too, can break free.
Will you join me?
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us” (2 Corinthians 1:3).
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September 8, 2017 3 comments
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